Dear Steffan,
Your birthday came and went quietly. I left a post on your Facebook page early Friday morning, just because I can. I thought about buying a cake but since your Dad and I have lost our taste due to Covid-19, I just spent the day putting my Christmas tree up instead. I started that tradition after the first birthday without you here. And, I eagerly awaited pics to come through of family and friends in Louisiana celebrating your life. Your little “mini-me” still loves releasing balloons on your birthday. This year, they released lighted lanterns. It was beautiful!
Yes, I shed some tears on your special day. Some sad ones. Some thankful ones. Amazingly enough, they all look the same. I’m learning to welcome them all, though it’s taken a while. I miss you every day and love you even more. Funny how love never fails. One of God’s many blessings.
As I unwrapped Christmas ornaments, I smiled as I remembered us sitting at the table as a family painting ornaments. That was your last Christmas at home, I believe! I’m so thankful we made those memories. I have all you kids’ nicknames written on the back of the each individual one you painted. I unwrapped new ornaments I’ve been given in your memory since you left us. I hung all the stockings up. The same stockings I’ve hung for you and your brother for twenty-four years now. Wonderful memories made me smile as those thankful tears fell.
The sad tears are drops of longing and wishing you were still here. Droplets of healing. Proof too, that God is good and real...and faithful. I think it’s fitting that I started putting the tree up on your birthday. It’s because of Christmas that we have hope of what is to come...more memories to be made. One day we will meet again, at that Heavenly reunion in the sky. Hope. And...suddenly those sad tears turn into thankful tears once again.
Yes, I’m blessed. You see, you were only ever on loan to us from the Lord anyhow. I’m thankful...to have held you in my arms for a short amount of time, but to know I can hold you in my heart forever.
Birthdays without you. Old memories with you to treasure. New memories without you to share. Sad tears. Happy tears. Hope. Love.
All a beautiful tribute of you. The first to call me Mommy...thankful forever I will be. Happy birthday in Heaven.
Love,
Mom
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