New Seasons

I’m currently enjoying some much needed porch time. The bright, warm sunshine is filtering through the treetops and splashing onto the porch floor. I can hear the chirping of wrens and red birds, as well as an occasional buzzing sound of hummingbirds. I can hear the rustling of wind blown leaves and feel the cool, gentle breeze against my skin. 

It’s a quiet peaceful day. I glimpse the falling of a few leaves and know it’s that time of year once again. God is getting His paint brush ready to wow me once again as He displays His majesty and creation for all to see. There is such rich color and amazing beauty in the autumn season. My favorite, with Spring being a very close contender. 

I wonder how we could possibly have something like grief sitting right here in the middle of all this beauty. Yet, it’s there. 

It’s become a part of autumn I’m learning to embrace more and more with each passing season. 

It’s been difficult and not something I’ve wanted to embrace, yet I’m finding as God leads me along, that some of the ugliest things in life can bring about unimaginable beauty. For just as there are different natural seasons in our world; there are different seasons in grief. 

The cool, crisp air and falling leaves are part of the beauty we observe as nature begins to slow to a crawl in preparation for the bitterness of winter. The beauty we enjoy during autumn days is actually a dying off process. But isn’t it beautiful? 

I’m sitting here looking at the fresh, new blooms of the Chrysanthemums sitting on my porch steps - bright and beautiful. I’m watching furry critters bustle about gathering and storing food for what’s to come. Even the trees are preparing as they begin to shed their leaves. 

Everything is getting ready for the next season to come...and here I sit too. 

Understand, I’m not thanking God for death, grief and the pain of it all; however, I’m slowly learning to lean into the beauty that is still there to be seen. I’m entering a new season of grief. 

So, where is the beauty in all this grief? 

I’m sitting here in my antique glider, being thankful for a rich heritage left to me by Godly grandparents who have went on to be with the Lord. I’m thinking about great parents who raised and nurtured me in church and the ways of God. I’m listening to the song of wind chimes and remembering how God always gives me a song even in the darkest moments of life. A hand-painted rock which brings to mind many blessed years of marriage and of a growing family of my own which I have nurtured and raised. And, of precious, little grands who make life so much fun. We have many blessed and wonderful memories to hold onto, and new ones to make too. 

I went on a shopping splurge last week and bought new decorations to help bring in this season right; because although I have many things of which to be thankful for, there is still that September chapter which tints every memory I have. 

Grief does that, it changes the way you view everything. 

So, there are now beautiful, silk sunflowers scattered here and there which remind me of the blessing God allowed me to have and hold for twenty-four years. Son-flowers. 

The pain is still there. All the longings a mom can have are still there. The desire for new memories, the pain of there being no more. All the love is still there as well. Thankfully, the precious memories are also there. The tears are still there as well as the hole in my heart. You know what is also there? A new appreciation. 

Grief teaches some very valuable lessons: 

To truly love. 

To enjoy every moment. 

To appreciate life. 

To not take things for granted. 

To enjoy the simple things. 

That love never dies. 

Time for memory making runs out. 

Grief never ends. 

Neither does God!

I didn’t say they were easy lessons. I’m not saying I’ve learned them all the first time around, I haven’t. I’m still learning one day at a time. I didn’t say it didn’t hurt more than anything else in the world. I didn’t say there haven’t been moments when I’ve questioned God. I don’t claim to have it all conquered nor to be “over it”. That will never happen. At least not on this side of Heaven. 

What I am saying about entering this new season is that I can fully recognize God has been with me every step of the way. He has held me close and picked me up when I couldn’t walk alone. He has placed specific people - Jesus with skin on - to comfort and guide me through this part of life. He has collected every tear and felt every pain with me. He has went ahead of me in every situation and arranged every difficult spot so that I could maneuver through it successfully - with His help. He has put His hand over that seeping hole in my heart time and time again and brought me sweet relief when I felt like I was dying. He has been faithful!

All the things I have experienced have only proven to me, once again, that He never left me alone nor will He ever. 

So, I’m entering this new season with a tender scar. The pain is still there. The tears are still there. Yet, so is God. The grief is still real, as is the PTSD, but without all of that I couldn’t truly know the depth of my Savior’s love and care for me. That has been beautiful!

Sometimes it takes the pain and scars to see clearly. Sometimes it takes the pain to scream out the truth. 

Welcome, September. 

Welcome, God. 

Welcome, me. 

I’m still here! Porch time has never felt so good. I can tell you without reservation, if God can carry me, He can do the same for you no matter your situation.  

Blessings on you today ~