Grief Waves & Treasures

It’s been a minute since I’ve posted. Sometimes life gets busy, sometimes life gets a little bit like a beach. That’s been my headliner for the last week. 

Father’s Day rolled around quietly.  Those “special” days now come to us especially wrapped in bittersweetness. I love my Heavenly Father beyond words, my earthly father dearly, I’m thankful for the wonderful father of my children and I’m thankful that my boys are good dads too. I’m also thankful for my spiritual father, my Pastor. I have much to be thankful for, and I am. I am blessed and I know it!

However, after tragedy strikes home and takes away an adult (or any) child, those special days have a sort of hollowness to them. There’s one less call than there should be, one less body to hug - and there’s a little guy going thru the day without a Daddy here to celebrate. Yeah, I know he still has a father and that God fills in the gaps. That’s a platitude that, although it may be true, doesn’t exactly make it all better. I’m standing on the beach right now and the waves are crashing upon the shore around me. 

Today, is my little guy’s sixth birthday. He’s growing up so fast. He’s handsome, smart and athletic, kind and loving...just like his Daddy. And, again today, my heart breaks because his Daddy won’t be here to celebrate him. These waves aren’t very refreshing at all!

It’s been a little bit since I’ve dealt with the waves being this painful. I’ve not enjoyed feeling the sand between my toes or looking for sea shells. These waves are painful and threaten to suck me under, and at times I lose my balance. This is  the story and reality of grief waves. 

No matter how much I learn about grief, no matter how much I accept the loss of my oldest son, no matter how many “good” days I have...the tide always comes back in again. The waves always return and I always feel the same way about them. The beach isn’t my favorite place in the world. 

Yes, to experience the pain of loss is to have loved and to still love deeply. There is much to be gained from loss. Many lessons and character building moments will find us. Many tests of faith and hard moments when trusting in God may be easier said than done. Grief has its own set of rules and they seem so harsh. It’s ok not to be ok. Yet, there are gifts gained walking on the beach that I’ll get in no other place. I have found this to be true!

It’s not yet been three years since the death of our son, and while I’ll never get accustomed to being without him physically, although I still experience weeks like this one which are terribly painful and sad, I’d never trade what I’ve gained along the way. 

You see, the tide always brings stuff to the shore. Trash. And treasure. If you’re going to stand on the beach, you have to be willing to deal with it all and pick through the ugliness in search of what might be a not-so-obvious treasure. 

The tide will go back out again and once more there will be more time with when life has a little less tears and sadness. The days will be less severe and exhausting. But for now, the waves crash around me and I’ve learned to just stand here and wait. It’s not easy or enjoyable but here is where I’ve learned the price of love. The beach is a wonderful place when I look at it that way. The waves are somehow more bearable. Search for those treasures the waves bring in!

Do you have loss in your life? Does it overwhelm you more on some days than others? If so, I get it. I’m not the only one though, the Lord gets it and He holds us extra close on those days when we’re being battered by endless, crushing waves. Remember the footprints in the sand? We’re not standing here on this beach alone. We can count on it!

And, I can’t leave this post without inserting a great big, Happy Birthday, to my little man, Kyler. I’m one proud Noni...and I just know you’re Daddy is super proud of the little man you are. And one day we’ll all be together again!