Good...Grief

If you’ve been following my blog for any length of time, you’re probably aware of the tragedy we’ve experienced, the grief that’s followed, and the roller coaster of emotional and mental waves I’ve dealt with since. It’s NOT been an easy road!

Like I wrote in my latest post, A Worship & Blessing Birthed from Pain, I shared a testimony of how God did something within me that day I decided to worship through the pain I was experiencing. Folks, it works. It doesn’t make the pain go away but it definitely helps ease the blunt force of it. 

Anyhow, we’ve had our grand boy for about a week and a half and we’ve packed every moment full of as many memories as we’ve been able to. If our time was a suitcase, it would come out looking like one of those overly stuffed suitcases coming into baggage claims with zippers bulging and clothes threatening to explode from within like a jack-in-the-box. 

We’ve fished, played baseball, had fire pit nights complete with S’mores, and hilarious games of Old Maid and Go Fish. We’ve planted flowers in Daddy’s Garden,  and watered and planted vegetables, and played with worms. We’ve taken field trips here and there and have enjoyed precious nightly prayers. And, we’ve taken pictures to help document it all. It’s been lovely! 

Yet, while he’s been here, we’ve dealt with wishing his Daddy was here to see it all. To experience five-year-old Kyler who is a “professional” or an “expert” at pretty much everything he does. We wish he was here to listen to all the wisdom and jokes this little guys comes out with. One of my favorites being, “People, we need some backup over here!” He’s delightfully funny and sometimes mixes his words around just like his Daddy used to. Yes, Steffan loved this little critter with his whole being when he was only a toddler; I can only imagine the grin that would be on his face nowadays and the belly laughs he’d have at Kyler’s antics. And, boy oh boy, if Daddy wouldn’t be proud of his boy making all A’s, B’s and O’s (for outstanding) on his last Kindergarten report card. He’s going to 1st Grade!!! Seems almost impossible. 

This feeling has been a different one for Pops and Noni. It seems as if every time he comes to visit, we’ve had a different “something” to deal with in the arena of grief. I know there are many, many children who have to learn to survive in life without their fathers, but when it literally hits home, it becomes an inescapable hurdle that we must deal with daily. 

We found out last night that he’ll be going back home this weekend - a much shorter trip than we were anticipating. In fact, to be honest, my heart is torn and the tears keep threatening to fall. I’m going to miss the little critter so much. I can’t even go there right now or I’ll never finish this post. 

But, this morning during my quiet time, I realized that through all the grief, this is a “good” part of it. Good grief! I’m so thankful God allowed me to have a grand boy to love on. A boy to love, and touch, and laugh with. A boy to make more memories with.  A boy that’s so much like his Daddy that it’s absolutely nuts!!! A precious gift of life. A blessing. God is faithful through it all. 

Yes, it still hurts like crazy.  Pops and I have already cried together this morning. Grieved the loss of our son all over again. We’ve cried because of our loss. We’ve talked about stupid things, like what was put in Steffan’s casket before it was permanently closed. Pappy put a hat and BB’s in, Kensley put a sweet note, etc; Pops and I both left a piece of our heart inside Daddy’s casket. I’m not minimizing the depth of anyone else’s loss and grief, I only know my own as a mother who loses her firstborn child and is left with that huge hole which cannot be filled. That’s the hard part. The ugliness of death and grief. 

But, we’ve also laughed at the new memories we’ve made this last week with Kyler...good grief. What a roller coaster! I know I’ll always miss my son, until I take my final breath, but I’m so thankful today for that little gift of flesh he left behind for me to hold and love on when I can’t physically touch him any longer. 

Thanks, Steff. 

Thanks, God. 

For this gift of rambunctious, “all boy”, who reminds me that there are good parts of grief. I’ll probably be exhausted and a bit weepy for a few days after Kyler goes home, but it’s alright. It takes much work and courage to balance both joy and grief! It takes both to appreciate life though. 

And, can I just say, on behalf of all the people grieving out there, be kind and patient. You never know what someone is going through on any particular day. Grief hits us like waves and at the most unexpected times. Show you care, give an extra hug, smile, or a shoulder to cry on. Offer a word of encouragement or just be there to sit in the silence, because you’ll never know how much it might be needed and what a difference you might make in the healing of a broken heart. 

Enjoy the photo memories with me. I have to share them! And, treasure your people while you have the opportunity. Love on them. And, don’t wait until it’s too late to let someone know how much they mean to you. Don’t wait to tell them you love them. Hug them while you can because one day you won’t be able to. 

Life is too short. Enjoy it NOW!!!