What I Feel Like

A note from a grieving mom. To those who are watching and looking on. 

What I feel like:

That I’ll never be the same again. Empty of the happiness that used to fill me. Unable to enjoy life as previously. I watch others laugh and enjoy life and even each other, it’s delightful and hurtful simultaneously. It’s comforting to know that is still a part of this world but it’s as if I’m watching the earth from outer space. I know I belong there but don’t know how to get back to earth. 

I wonder if relationships will endure or will people grow weary of my sadness and walk away? For this reason, I sometimes stuff my feelings or apologize for the tears instead of being honest. Other people’s lives continue on, and I’m ok with that and understand, but my life is still spinning like a wobbly top. It all feels like life is whirling around and I’m standing there experiencing the dizziness of it all. How do I stop or slow the commotion of grief? I know, I must be patient with myself, and not worry about what others think or where they feel I should be at this point. 

I look at things so different now, and just as people say things in innocence that send me a hurtful sting, I too say things totally not meaning to that cause hurt or disappointment. It’s hard to explain my heart and express myself correctly all the time. I suppose it feels like I cannot just say what I’m feeling. Instead of saying, “Can you spend some time with me?”, I say, “This is my favorite thing to do with you!” and hope they get the point. I don’t want to be too blunt because what if they can’t handle who I am today? Sometimes I suppose I do it out of protection for myself. Remembering, some ask how I am but don’t really want to wade through the messy, they don’t know how to respond, they distance themselves and sometimes I just feel too needy and then come the pangs of insecurities and guilt for not being further along. Omg. Crazy. 

I still love so deeply and I feel deeply, that is me, but during times like these it can be especially hard to deal with and results in loneliness like never before. 

I just want to be assured that you love me unconditionally, that you really want to be here with me, even in the dark and messy. I want to be touched and hugged, I need to feel the warmth of closeness as opposed to coldness and uncaring...sterile, hospital style. Don’t touch me with latex gloves as if you don’t want to be touched by my pain, truly touch me in spite of how it might feel. Let me know you’re really here. 

Listen. If you don’t want to know, don’t ask. Yet, don’t expect me to act as if nothing has happened to rock my world. I’ll never be the same again, I look at and feel about things totally different today.  I cannot help that. It comes regardless, just like the company that I find I have no choice of being a part of. Talk about NOT wanting to be part of a club, yet I’m thrown there by a tragedy which automatically signed me on. 

I know God is in control and makes all things work together for good, but I might have trouble seeing that on some days. I can see blessings in the midst of the pain, but it does not take the pain away. It just offers a bit of hope. He wasn’t surprised by this but I was not quite ready to walk this road. Yet still, here I am. 

Just love me through it. Don’t leave me. Be patient and show me you’re true...and there will be a bond that forms like never before. I believe that’s one good thing that can come out of this ugly. 

(That’s all for now!)