The State of Me

So, it’s Spring time and unlike the last two springs, I’ve loved being outside and planting flowers and a small garden once again. Progress, right? Yes, I’d say so...until I’m out in the yard and I’m suddenly hit with a wave of grief again. Something so simple! How can a handprint bring me to tears? A bare spot of red Georgia dirt surrounded by rocks? How can I fall so easily? 

Yes, I think it’s safe to say I’m making progress and am further down this road of grief today than I was last year at the same time. There are signs that say so; however, I’m still learning and walking the same path and it still brings pains and tears which I’m not able to handle alone. 

I think it’s safe to describe it like this: that I’m walking along minding my own business - doing life, then I see something or something is said that brings me back to the reality of loss. My heart immediately convulses and I feel the pain and regret down deep in the pit of my stomach all over again. I truly don’t know if that will ever be gone completely. Sometimes it lasts for only a short time, at other times it lingers for days. Then, I become upset and feel guilty because I can’t seem to pull myself out of this funk. It’s frustrating! And...all these feelings don’t make things a bit better. I then hear in my head “you should be further along” or “don’t get stuck here! Move along!”  It’s a vicious cycle. Takes my breath. Maybe it’s fear! If so, the Bible says, “Fear not!” Narrow it down to depression and that makes it even worse. Think positive, cast down those thoughts. They aren’t of God!How is a person supposed to grieve without having all sorts of labels attached? And so, I find myself ashamed that I’ve caved to my feelings of missing someone I birthed and loved with all my heart. A son I’ll never touch again or be able to hear his laughter and voice again. 

No, I surely don’t want to get stuck here but there are so many hurdles to learn to jump through along with situations  and triggers to become aware of and to learn how to deal with. I think that’s why it’s a process, there’s always something to overcome. 

Although I know I am not alone, it feels lonely anyhow. Still I remind myself God is always present. He knows what I’m feeling. He knows that Easter is coming, followed by Mother’s Day, and holidays are always hard it seems. He understands my pain. Maybe I don’t need to worry about how I handle it so much. Maybe what I’m feeling and how I fall into that spiral fall is normal for this season. Maybe I should take my advice to others and be more kind and patient with myself. I can’t possibly hold it together. Only God can do that! 

So...at 19 months I feel I’m making progress but wish I didn’t have to ever feel this stuff again. Yet I know, it’s not ever going to be normal again. I will always have a missing piece of my heart. It’s like learning to walk all over again with only one leg. Everything is different and so am I. I will learn to adjust better in the days to come, I’m sure. For this season, this is where I am, God knows where I’m at and He will help me through it all. I just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other, keep the tissue box close by and keep running to Him for help. I’m ok. 

Right? I will be, in His time!