His Hand In My Heart

I thought about the good old guy in the Bible who gets a bad rap for being a doubter. Doubting Thomas. His words stirred me this morning and caused me to say a prayer I wouldn’t have otherwise. 

He wasn’t with the crowd who experienced Jesus’ presence after His ascension and didn’t believe. He said, “Except I shall see...and put my finger into the print...and thrust my hand into His side, I will not believe.” John 20:25

We know the story and have heard it many times. Yet, today I needed to remember that after Jesus experienced the grief in the garden and was crucified, He had a “hole” that remained. 

As mothers, we speak of the giant hole left in our hearts after we’ve experienced the death of a child. It’s a hole nothing will ever fill, a depth of sadness which will never go away. Some days we just know it’s there, while other days it feels freshly wounded, excruciatingly painful, and oozing with terrible loss. Nothing we can do can make the pain disappear and only God can soothe the pain and terror we feel. 

Today, I found myself there again. Early this morning, about the same time of “the accident” which tragically ended my son’s life, I woke up after dreaming. I was overwhelmed with emotions, waves of memories and left with an ocean of tears to deal with. 

Yesterday, it felt good to be able to celebrate LIFE. Yet, as I write this piece, I struggle with the expunging of it. It’s crazy how grief brings with it so many of these types of roller-coaster moments. It’s exhausting at times like these. 

However, as I lay here trying to be comfortable with the pain, talking to the One who knows how badly I hurt, my mind rambled yback to Thomas and his request. I suddenly found myself asking the Lord to thrust His hand into that hole in MY heart, sort of like Thomas did to Him...to ease the pain enough to where I can handle it, and give  peace in my situation. 

Then, I lay here thinking about a perfect, Almighty God who still has scars and holes to prove He experienced horrific tragedy in His own body for our salvation. How easily He could have made it where He was left without any trace of evidence, yet He suffered and allowed a hole to remain...for us to know it was truly Him with us. 

No matter how much I dislike what happened, and that my son is no longer touchable and able to physically be with me, no matter how gaping the hole seems to be some days, God is always faithful to place His hand into or over that place (hole) and guide me through the awful grief moments. 

I’d like to think for myself and to encourage any other mother out there who has also experienced this devastating life experience, that God has allowed that hole in our heart to remain specifically for Him to fill. Nothing else on this earth can take our children’s place in our hearts, nothing can fill that hole or ease the pain...except the hand of God. 

To my dear, wounded angel-mom reading this, as we’re struggling and doubting our ability to continue on this lonely, painful road, we can always ask Him to be with us and bring comfort by placing His nail-scarred hands into our wounded souls. He is faithful to do so. Only He can bring the level of comfort we need and fill us with the peace we lack. What a comfort there is, even as the salty tears of loss fall down our faces, to know that He is catching and noticing every tear we shed, He is well-acquainted with our grief, and that He is comforting us and will even carry us when we feel we cannot carry on any longer...with that hope we never need doubt for a moment. Be encouraged, friend, we’re never here alone. He understands holes and all about the only salve which can soothe them. Maybe you’d like to pray this prayer with me today:

Dear Lord, you know the pain I feel within this broken heart today. I’m asking you to do to me as you allowed Thomas to do to you; thrust your nail-scarred hand into that gaping hole in my heart which nothing else will soothe or fill. I know You are the only answer and only You have the power and ability to do so. I thank you right now, in the middle of this pain-filled moment, that You are working in and for me. Thank you for my child, for the time you allowed us together, and for the peace and strength in You to get me through this grief wave. I believe! Amen~