Take A Shot...

Ps 31:24. Be of good courage, and he shall strengthen your heart, all ye that hope in the Lord. 

Real life experiences invite you to trust in God and prove His character. Yes, sometimes they scream so loudly - demanding.  it can get pretty scary not to mention exhausting at times. 

Steffan was my first born. The one who first made me Mommy. Whose name is has picked out since probably 9th grade. I carried him in my womb for 9 months, he carried my name. Out of my three children, he is the most “like me” in temperament and personality. He also was the first to make me an angel mom. There is now a huge hole in my heart that I’m learning to deal with after losing him. 

Some days I do ok with it. 

Does the sadness creep in? Yes

Does the pain continue? Yes

Do I still have bad days? Yes

Do I still cry? Yes

Do I still deal with crazy emotions? Yes! I suppose its all part of the grieving process.  I’m still in the process of learning not to let these emotions take over. Some days life and those emotions have felt like a hurricane on steroids which leaves nothing but devastation and defeat of purpose in its path. 

Safe to say I’m in a valley season. Where I’m learning to trust God with the raw, ugly parts of life nobody wishes for. Yet many have come face to face with the reality of losing a child. The parts of life I’d rather not have had to experience to be honest with you. Maybe you are too. It doesn’t have to be with the death of a child, your worst might be something different...but you’re having to trust God and rely upon him like never before. That’s a good thing! The silver lining. Be encouraged. If I can make it, you can too. 

Exactly one year and a month, to the day of my son’s death, October 27, I lost my Mamaw suddenly. Another shocking blow for me. I was closest to her than any of my grandparents. I suppose we were kindred spirits. Just 6 weeks later I lost my Papaw suddenly. Wow! Lord, how much more? All this while also losing precious brothers and sisters here at church. The cherry on top? Let’s add empty nest syndrome. Oh, and a hysterectomy too. 

I won’t stand here and say there haven’t been points along this journey when I’ve wanted to quit. When I’ve felt so weak and hopeless that I didn’t want to go on. I’m human, we all go there at times when we get frustrated or too overwhelmed with life. Yet, I’ve learned that’s not an option to consider. 

My Papaw’s famous phrase in the last three years of his life was, “I just take a shot - and go on.” He had diabetes and Alzheimer’s. It was comical but began to stick with my family. Because when you go through winter seasons where all seems to be dead in your life, when you’re numb, feeling lifeless and just want the pain you do feel to go away, there must be some perseverance obtained to keep one upright. I’m indeed having to learn to “take a shot and go on.” This has become a catch phrase between my husband and I. 

Yes, the Word says, “And we know that all things work together for good...” Romans 8:28. Perseverance is one of those good things. When I look back, I can see God’s faithfulness throughout my darkest days. 

I’m also learning that in my weaknesses, I can rely upon God to hold me up. I cannot rely on my strength. Sometimes he strengthens me through my sisters in Christ. 

Isaiah 41:10

“Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness.” 

I just take a shot and go on. 

I’m learning that when I’m afraid I can trust in the Lord. Yes, I’ve known this, but I’m experiencing it first hand. Sometimes I’m afraid I’ll forget what my son’s voice sounds like, what his hugs feel like. Some pretty scary things can pop up suddenly in this Mom’s heart - out of nowhere and it catches me off guard. Like I said, I’m learning to trust God with all the emotions that come along with loss. 

Take a shot and go on. 

I’ve learned that quitting isn’t an option that’s even on the table to think about choosing. My word for this year is courage. The version where there is strength in the midst of pain or grief. Whatever I come face to face with, I’ve got to trust that God will see me through in his own time and way. His ways are much higher than mine.  His will is so much more important than my agenda...just got to take a shot and go on. 

I’ll be 17 months out this coming Thursday. Yes, the months are still being counted...but I started out counting hours. God is good!

I still need help, sometimes correcting, encouraged and prodded along, but God is always faithful to provide. There have been some days when I didn’t think I’d make it one more moment. But somehow, with God’s help and those people he’s placed in my life during this season, I’ve always been able to take just one more step. Just take a shot and go on. 

The old song says, 

I can do all things

Through Christ who gives me strength

But sometimes I wonder what He can do through me

No great success to show

No glory of my own

Yet in my weakness He is there to let me know

His strength is perfect when our strength is gone

He'll carry us when we can't carry on

Raised in His power, the weak become strong

His strength is perfect, His strength is perfect

We can only know

The power that He holds

When we truly see how deep our weakness goes

His strength in us begins

Where ours comes to an end

He hears our humble cry and proves again. 

We take a shot and go on. 

He provides all we need to get through each day and any situation. He is my strength, my hope, my power...He is my shot. And He’ll be yours also. 

So when life gets too frustrating, too painful, too dark, too anything...He’s always just a prayer away. He is faithful to complete the work he has begun in us, no matter what it looks like. I was reminded last night that God is “looking for someone just like me to use for His glory”...our experiences work together to help another and to bring Him glory. 

I invite you to join me in this shot revolution. Let’s be determined to grow in our valleys, into all God has purposed for us to be. One shot at a time!

God bless you.