Ripples of Truth

Kyler & his Daddy

It’s a heavy weight, a lot of confusing thoughts and emotions, pain and tears, heartache. 

I don’t have to carry this burden alone. God never leaves me. In fact, He carries me and my burdens quite capably. I alone, cannot. I won’t pretend that I can. The pressure of holding it all together, or of laying it all out there, or casting it all upon Him is pressing in and I feel I cannot make the correct adjustments no matter how hard I attempt it. 

I realize I’m not the only person hurting. There is my husband, siblings, a wife, children, grandparents, aunts and uncles, cousins, friends, etc. Life has that “toss the stone in the pond” ripple effect. Loss of life, likewise. So, I’m not seeking sympathy for myself alone; however I can only share my viewpoint. 

The “beautiful” hole in my heart hurts. Indeed. More than I ever could have imagined pain to hurt. It affects every part of me. Obviously, that is a given, I won’t get sucked in there. Except to say, I ache that my oldest child is no longer with us, but I am thankful He has finished His race. I wouldn’t wish him back into this messed up world. It’s just the remainders of what is missing. 

I ache for a Daddy who phones me crying because he’s posting chickens on the job and the beating heart inside the furry critter jars those raw emotions of a heart that beats no more. I ache for a son who endured, what I can only imagine to be, the worst sound he’ll possibly, and hopefully, ever hear in this life: his brother screaming out as the accident took place. I cannot fathom the noises he hears in his head. I ache for a daughter who now shares each birthday with the death anniversary of her older sibling. Seems so unfair, even while knowing we cling to a trustworthy, All-Knowing, good-grace-giving God. I ache for a young wife who no longer has those strong arms to wrap around her or the chunky hand to hold in companionship. A young soul who must wear the dreaded banner of “widow” now and overcome the complications of being a single mom. I ache for a child who lost his hero. Who asks about his Daddy all the time. Who will always have a gaping hole in his own little heart. A sweet, little girl who lost her “Steps”. Life has a way of cheating us, it seems. Unfair. Ugly. Yet, I know God is in control. That is what I know and believe. The rest makes no sense though. I ache for the other members of our family who are touched by this tragedy. Each hurting and grieving today in their own unique ways. Yes, the ripples in the water are long and far-reaching. Then there are his friends, and even our friends, who are suffering in some way because of our own loss. 

And, I’d just like to think in my mind that God Himself looks down and weeps. Not because He doesn’t have it all under control, not because He didn’t see and know what was best, but simply because some of His own kids are hurting. He is touched and aware of what our every day consists of. And, since we’re made in His image and He gave us our emotions, I just believe that He hurts along with us too. 

I cannot come up with all the right wording right now for what I’m feeling. The best explanation would be that I feel paralyzed but the pain is unshakable and undeniably real. I feel like I’m tumbling in one of those huge surfer waves, just trying to survive. If I can just make it to shore again!

Life doesn’t seem fair right now, yes, I repeated myself yet again and I almost feel the need to guard myself from people and life itself.  I don’t want my brokenness to hurt someone else. It’s a true thing, I know. I’ve been on both ends now. They’re not at fault or to blame in any way really. However, in my humanity, I have questions. I don’t expect answers and I’d not want anyone else to go through this type of tragedy, although I know many have and some have been far more devastating than ours in reality. Yet, this is our “worst”.  

I must, with the help of God, endure this path He has laid out in front of me. That is my intention, but right now, at this first anniversary moment, I cannot separate myself from the pain and sadness. I hope I’m not expected to. The tears are constantly threatening to fall, my body aches, I am tired and need space. No, I do not want to be left alone, I want to talk, but it seems easier right now than dealing with it.  As I say that, I realize easy is not always better. I ask for grace. That is something I’ve not overcome yet. That is some of the confusing parts of my life presently. 

I thank God for being a constant help, for my people who won’t “go away” in spite of what I think I want.  After all, how in the world can I think clearly enough to know what’s best for me right now. I’m floundering and need saving - I’m grabbing for anything that looks trustworthy. The wave just keeps taking me under and I’m out of balance. Emotions. Feelings. Thoughts. Temperament. Words. All the things. Ok, I said I wasn’t going into all of the stuff I’m feeling. It just sort of seeps out tho. 

But one thing I know is true: God is real, good and presently working in my situation, heart and mind...even tho I can’t see or feel it presently. There-in lies my hope. I’m thankful for each prayer that upholds me, each hug that wraps up my brokenness. Each smile that speaks straight to my heart that things will indeed get better. I might not be able to physically express my thanks, but it is there. I’m thankful God is propping me up during this season, that He is faithful and that when I look back over this past year, I know without a doubt He was always  carrying me, and that I’ll make it through today too. He’s promised. I believe.