Living In the Promises: Celebration & Grief

As I sit here today, pecking away at this worn out keyboard, I am amazed at how many different ways one can be affected by grief. As I type this out, we are nearing the one year "death-anniversary" of our first-born, age 24, and the 22nd birthday of our last-born. Brought to you by September 27th!

Allyssa

Steffan

Forevermore, this particular date will represent both life and death in The Hardesty world. The absolute most honest things I can say:

• Both seasons, life and death, happen whether we're ready or not. 
• Love and pain are intertwined, inseparable and merge together at some given point in life.  
• Never can we have one without the other...joy and sadness, it all works hand-in-hand. Even celebration and grief.

As impossible and as unreal as it might still seem to me some days, the reality is each of us wake up in the morning and have no clue about what our day might bring about. That's the honest-to-God truth. Only He knows and sees...and again, I'm reminded today of the quote my sister kept telling me in the midst of it all last year, 

"God is not surprised by this." 

Indeed, He is not! Me? I'm still surprised. Even after 357 days. Truth!

Sunday morning, we were the first to arrive at church. As we were going about our business, doing what we do, all the sudden I heard a blood-curdling scream from my daughter who was outside sweeping the front porch. Her dad and I dropped everything we were doing and ran outside, suddenly realizing why she was screaming. A young man had lost control of his vehicle right in front of our church and had flipped several times over the road and ditch, before finally landing upside-down in the woods. 

You can only imagine the hyper-sensitive emotions which arose in each of us as we ran across the street to be of assistance. My hubby is always a trooper, my daughter right behind him, while I stand cautiously on the side of the road with tears in my eyes, praying to God that this gentleman is alright. I suddenly, without warning, silently began reliving the imagined details of what I had missed in my own son's accident.

Thankfully, though a bit bloody and obviously dazed, the young man, 28, walked with the assistance of a paramedic to the ambulance. My emotions were relief, thankfulness for God's grace...and regret... that my own son hadn't been able to walk away. It seemed all wrong!

I still don't understand why it had to be that way for my baby boy. I suppose I never will. I'm alright with that. I must simply trust that God's timing and knowing are always perfect no matter what it looks like on this side of glory. With that consolation and understanding, I'm learning it can look and feel quite different from day to day. That wreck opened up a flood-gate of emotions that I've been dealing with every since. 

I suppose it doesn't help to be nearing the one-year mark either. Dreams. Memories. Good. Bad. Tears. Laughter. They're all part of our story. They all mesh together to form this thing called life. Honestly, I can say that I can't believe it's already been a year. It has both flown by and dragged slowly simultaneously. 

Although my emotions may tell me different things from day-to-day, or even moment-by-moment sometimes, even though the oddest things still bring tears to my eyes or rekindle deep pain and hurt within my heart, I know God is always in control and though I don't understand, it's alright and I know somehow He will help me be OK regardless. No, it doesn't always feel like it will be, there are days when I need a kick-start from a friend, have to peel myself out of bed, moments when I have to be shaken from my delirious quietness and encouraged to share my feelings even if I do feel they're weird or stupid. Time hasn't changed the pain or filled the hole in my heart, I'm just learning to cope better - to lean upon the Lord.

All in all, I know this: God is close to those who are brokenhearted, even when ours feels shattered in pieces. He binds up and heals the wounds, even on the days when it feels like it is gaping wide and the bleeding might never stop. He is near and will give rest to the weary, even when we're overwhelmed and nothing seems to take the edge off of life. He will bless us with peace, strengthen us and never leave us hopeless, even when our circumstances may seem that way from our point of view. He is the giver and taker of life; He controls it all. 

Every situation is in His scrutiny, He is Sovereign and in control of all things. He goes ahead of us, then walks beside us, even carrying us on occasion. He has our entire existence in His viewpoint; He's the only One who can make sense of all our craziness! That is what we can bank on! I encourage you today, as I do so to myself, no matter what you're feeling or experiencing, let's live in the promises of God and learn daily to trust Him with the process and outcome. Blessings, my friend~