In This Moment

Sometimes it catches me and takes my breath away, my heart aches and seems to skip a few beats. 

It is like so tonight. Helping our 4-year-old grand swim across the pool without the flotation assistance of “wings”, experiencing all his acrobatic tricks in the water, then into the house for bedtime snack and then bedtime. That’s when the whole day caved in upon me and I felt completely overwhelmed. 

“Good night, Noni! I love you!”, said the sweet, raspy voice of my little guy. Then the same thing to his Pops. And I was immediately transported back to September twenty-sixth of last year. We had this little rambunctious bundle that night too. The night before my life and heart were forever changed. 

I suddenly realized I was reliving it all over again. Actually, maybe I’d been doing it subconsciously all day. Like when we walked up to the counter at Burger King at lunch and Kyler told the cashier his Daddy likes hamburgers. I guess I teared up a few times thinking about the last FaceTime moment we had with him and his Mommy and Daddy that last night. “We’ll call you back later “, but the call never came. In fact, I was never able to hear that voice again. Yes, it’s been like that all day. 

I’ve tried to feel all the things and not run away from it today. I wish like everything that I knew how to do this correctly. Some say experience it and go on, some say not to go there. It gets confusing at times but I suppose that’s part of grief. I’d just like to get thru it without feeling guilty or weak or a burden to others. 

We only have four more days together, and as much of a monster as he can be, I want to hold him tightly and never let him go. Just like I’d love to have just one more chance to hold his Daddy and tell him how much I love him once more. To see that grin that he has passed down to my grandson. To hear his laughter and voice. 

Life is so fleeting, seems quite unfair some days even, but I find as time goes along, I’m so much more thankful for the sweet memories I’m left with . I’m thankful for the gift he left me in my grandson. A little clone for sure! While they’ll never be enough to satisfy the longing and ease the pain, they are priceless. 

Tonight, I’m trying to practice the art of joining sadness and joy. Trying to understand that I can’t feel one and never the other. Great love causes great grief. I grieve because I have loved. Love lives on, the pain continues, time heals nothing, but God gives beauty for ashes, turns mourning into joy, makes everything beautiful in His time, and He is my hope. Even when I grow weak and forget, He gently reminds me that He is there. He never chides me for how I’m feeling, he never tells me to get over it, that He’s had enough, or that I’m too much. He gently holds me, safely under the shadow of His wing, I learn to trust and to keep on loving. Why, I might even learn to sing again. A risk worth the taking. “Sweet dreams, Kyler, Noni loves you.” And I love your Daddy too.