Hello again...

Hello again! It's.....ME.

Although I'm not exactly sure who that person (me) is at this point in life, nothing seems "simply put" anymore, and everything still seems a bit extreme, unsure and most certainly unpredictable; someone suggested that I blog again. So, here I am.

With all the feelings, emotions, dips and slips I've dealt with since I last wrote, I couldn't imagine that just anyone would want to read the things I had to say. Yes, I've written a few pieces and have written in journal-style compositions for myself. I've even privately shared a couple things with a few close friends and confidants. For the most part, I came to the conclusion that what I had to say probably made people feel more uncomfortable and not sure how to respond. I understand!

I haven't been brave enough to go back and read what I wrote in those beginning days right after we lost Steffan. I guess I'm not quite ready yet. One day. Sure is a long, hard road to travel and much harder to learn to process and grow into whatever "normal" looks like now. I suppose I have fought it on a lot of occasions. Those stages they say one goes through after a loss, they seem more like a dot-to-dot of mass confusion to me. There is definitely no rhyme or reason, I'd say. An endless roller-coaster - and I don't do "amusement" rides well if I must say so myself. Oh well. These days, I've stepped back and tried to just take the waves as they come - and try to be patient with myself, and learn to relax through the confusion and pain waves. They say that's what must happen. How healing must begin.

Everything has changed. And. I. Do. Mean. Every. Thing. Well, two things haven't. First, time continues to march on with or without me. I've learned I must go along. Secondly, God has remained the same "yesterday, today and forever" I'm just learning and leaning upon Him on an entirely different level. I'm sure you can think of other things have haven't changed too, but in my world, this is all I can see from this point. Yes, I'd ask for a "do over" or to change my seat if it were possible, for time to rewind and do things a bit differently; but, I don't think I'd give anything for the newness I'm finding in how God is faithful in collecting my many salty tears, how He loves me right where I'm at and is always there even when I'm smothered with loneliness.

Yes, after losing our son, I'd say the lens in which I view everything is quite different. I don't know if that will ever change. I'm not sure I'll ever be the same either. I've learned that life is unfair and that we must make the most of every day, even when we don't feel like it, for we never know when the last one will be, for us or others. I'm still a work in progress and I don't have all the right responses nor have I conquered grief if there is such a thing, but I'm taking one day at a time and doing the best I can. And, on those days when life gets overwhelming...I can still say it is well with my soul, even as I ride the waves of the storm, for I know God keeps His promises.

Thanks for reading. Feel free to leave a comment (please no judgmental ones! We get enough of those!) or to choose not to read if it makes you uncomfortable. I'll share more later, but for now, this is all. Be blessed everyone, thank you for your continued prayers and support for our family.