Dear Steffan,

This morning I woke up with you on my heart. Before I even opened my eyes, I was thinking of you and longing to pick up the phone and ring you. Then, I remembered there's no phone where you are, so I closed my eyes again to ask God to tell you for me. I don't know how all that works, I only know my heart is broken anew today. As fresh as the day we lost you.

I still find it hard to believe some days. I just want to hear your belly laugh and watch you double-over as you used to do when you got so tickled. I long to hold you tight once more. To hear you say, "Mom, no tears." But...alas, I can't make them go away today. It's amazing how much a heart can stand. I feel mine will explode sometimes, especially today.

I know God is taking care of you and you'd never want to come back. I understand. I'm happy for you, sad for me. I'm sure you would understand. I see you in my dreams and have even heard your voice call to me. Some things take me by surprise and the tears flow freely. Like this morning, I just wanted to tell you I love you and how proud I am of you.

Death has a way of changing every aspect and dynamic of life. I tell your brother and sister I love them more than ever. I've turned into that obnoxious, over-protective mom in an instant. Loss like losing you has awaken us all up to the reality that life is short and only eternity counts.

So, today I'll try to wrap these tears up and go about my day as best I can. I will think of you and smile when I see your picture because I know you don't want me to cry.  I'll do my best to live the best life I can. There are many "firsts" right around the corner. Only 17 days until we should be celebrating your birthday. I don't know how I'll get through that day except with God's help.

One thing is certain, a mother's love doesn't stop when one of her babies are gone. The bond is still there. I still love you. Always and forever!